yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii