My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
