So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"