hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin