isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
...so i touched it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.