Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's Friday. Sex?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Banned from zoo.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.