I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
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i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.