Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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