yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
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we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"