Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
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on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I told you penises don't tan
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?