Texts From Last Night

misterbirdy18's Favorites Texts:

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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
  Replies (98) Good night (27340) Bad night (1732)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26871) Bad night (4291) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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  (254): our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day http://tfl.nu/vjaj
  Replies (25) Good night (1533) Bad night (5423) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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  (251): About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way http://tfl.nu/3xnz
  Replies (9) Good night (3198) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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  (832): apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?! http://tfl.nu/kaoo
  Replies (21) Good night (5417) Bad night (1122)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's

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  (443): i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's http://tfl.nu/fnpd
  Replies (38) Good night (3247) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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  (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic http://tfl.nu/11wq
  Replies (6) Good night (865) Bad night (2142) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not

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  (817): I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not http://tfl.nu/w4u2
  Replies (57) Good night (1144) Bad night (4274) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
  Replies (73) Good night (15846) Bad night (1015)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
  Replies (66) Good night (5485) Bad night (1073)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

  (703): View more from Virginia

  just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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  (540): my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged (703): just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit http://tfl.nu/pac5
  Replies (61) Good night (1561) Bad night (12127)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
  Replies (47) Good night (4922) Bad night (830)
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  (585): View more from New York

  she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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  (585): she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year? http://tfl.nu/9o4d
  Replies (58) Good night (9757) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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  (602): Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not. http://tfl.nu/pe6e
  Replies (14) Good night (730) Bad night (3520)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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  (910): just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics http://tfl.nu/3wmw
  Replies (68) Good night (10654) Bad night (2312) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."

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  (770): We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem." http://tfl.nu/qcu7
  Replies (13) Good night (2424) Bad night (475)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
  Replies (52) Good night (15882) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
  Replies (77) Good night (51896) Bad night (2022) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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  (845): It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot. http://tfl.nu/ztf1
  Replies (69) Good night (4117) Bad night (675)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
  Replies (15) Good night (24369) Bad night (864)
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  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
  Replies (55) Good night (10519) Bad night (3044) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38532) Bad night (1467)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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  (253): I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then. http://tfl.nu/hci4
  Replies (9) Good night (2149) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt