I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.