Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
being pregnant is like rehab
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
