she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's never too late to be topless.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?