We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.