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All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Too much gin, very little bucket
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