I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes