i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket