I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
