we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay