someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate