They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...