Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand