My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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