and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.