My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.