In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.