yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
