I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.