Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
