It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?