She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
