Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.