Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top