My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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