Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
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Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
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Is this the I'm gay speech?