literally had 100 drinks last night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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