First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom