your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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