Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back