We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.