You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"