Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class