I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.