I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined