Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Houston, we have a blender
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other