Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery