I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.