I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.