I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
